Exciting news: My hose arrived in the mail yesterday! Better
yet, they are beautifully done. I am absolutely in love with them.
I have to admit, they are a little larger than I would have
expected—then again, as my first ever pair of hose, I wasn’t really sure what
to expect. From what I can guess, though, the hose are not designed to be
stretched very far, as it would cause the stitching to become distorted and
porous. I guess this is why they make hose garters, and luckily, I have some.
It’s going to take me a little bit to fully navigate my
hose. They are a little too long but not noticeably so—although next time I
think I’ll order them about a fourth of an inch shorter. Also, it doesn’t help
that, due to a bone disorder, one of my knees is noticeably higher than the
other. On top of that, because I have not been using my left leg for over a
month and a half now, my left calf is over a fourth of an inch narrower than my
right. Oh well, it will all even out eventually. Until then I’ll just make due
with garters and a little extra stuffing.
More importantly, I love my hose! And now, more pictures.
I’ve grown impatient waiting for my ankle to heal. (I know,
hard to imagine, right?) I really just want to get back to dancing, but I know
that my ankle is not strong enough yet. In fact, both of my ankles have been
giving me problems as of late: my left one, of course, has the stress fracture,
and my right ankle is sore from having to bear all my weight for the last
month. So, both of my ankles need some strengthening before I get back to dance.
Being me, I have decided to get a head start on this
strengthening process, and I have developed an exercise routine aimed at making
my ankles (and feet!) more durable.
1)Roll
through each foot for two minutes, progressing from flexed to pointed and back
to flexed again
2)Point
each foot and hold tight for two minutes, release slowly
3)Trace
the alphabet with each ankle, drawing the characters first forwards then
backwards
4)Balance
on one foot in parallel position with your eyes closed, then do the same but
turned out (this is actually a lot harder than it sounds, and it is great for
building up balance as well)
5)Three
pliés and one grand-plié in first position, repeat five times
6)Twenty
relevés in first position
So far this routine seems to be helping quite a bit. My
ankles feel a lot looser (in a good way).
Of course, I have also been sure to take my multivitamins
and get plenty of calcium. After all, good nutrition builds bones and muscles! My
recently acquired bone stimulator has been great help, as well. With all of
these exercises, nutrients, and contraptions, I’ll hopefully be back to dancing
in no time!
Now, on a completely different note, I am thinking about
getting a tattoo on my forearm, just below the elbow. I want my dance tartan
(Dress Green Drummond of Perth), as well as some text.
Dress Green Drummond of Perth
I am still debating what exactly I want the tattoo to say. I
have a couple of ideas. One: I am thinking about Is féidir, which is a Gaeilge response meaning “is able”. It would
signify my response to both “An féidir leat damhsa? / Can you dance?” and “Ní féidir
leat damhsa / You can’t dance”. Obviously, this text idea is caught up with my
recent experiencing in the Irish dance world.
Two: I may have the tattoo read Sé do bheatha ‘bhaile, meaning “You are welcome home” (literally, “Tis
your life homewards”). Aside from being a nice saying, this is also the name of
one of my favorite Irish songs. There are two versions of the song: one commemorating
Bonnie Prince Charlie’s role in the Jacobite Rebellion of 1745-6; the second,
adapted by Patrick Pearse, relating the exploits of Gráinne Mhaol. In either
case, as the title suggests, the song is about returning to one’s homeland and
so, as a tattoo, would symbolize my “returning” home to Highland
dance.
Óró, Sé do Bheatha 'Bhaile as done by Paul Brady for TG4
When I scheduled my check-up appointment a few days ago, the
nurse told me that I could go off of crutches if my foot felt up to it.
Initially I thought that I would stay on crutches until I began physical
therapy just as a precaution—better safe than pregnant after all. However, this
weekend I got put into a couple of cramped situations where crutches were not
really practical. So, I decided to take the risk and leave my mechanical arms
by the wayside.
I am happy to report that my foot has been doing just fine
with the extra weight on it. In fact, it feels a bit better than it has the
last week as I am no longer suffering from muscle cramps. Last night at dance I
even took some time to stretch out my ankle. It was a little sore but all in
all felt very good and was much overdue.
It will take a while to build up the strength in my ankle,
but I sure am glad to be making progress.
In other news, both my hose and my kilt are on their way! My
hose shipped last week and should be here any day. I am seriously sitting by
the door shaking with excitement. As for my kilt, it just shipped out yesterday
but, as it is coming from Nova Scotia,
I should have it by early next week. Just think, by next weekend I could have
the bottom half of my Highland outfit!
Also, I have recently been considering studying Gàidhlig in Scotland for a
month this summer through the courses offered at Sabhal Mòr Ostaig, a Scottish
university. However, in order to make this happen, I’ll need to find funding,
and I’ll need to find it quickly before the courses fill up. Honestly, I’d
rather wait a year and save up the money, but, seeing as I hope to get
full-time employment after I graduate, I don’t think I’ll be able to get a
month off from work next summer so I can study Gàidhlig in Scotland.
This means that I am left to write an absurd number of
emails looking for funding from various groups and institutions around the
world. Of course, I realize the very likely possibility that this won’t work
out and I won’t be able to study in Scotland this summer, but it won’t
be for a lack of trying. The worse thing I could do would be to not do
anything. If nothing else, at least I’ll have gained some life experience.
And now for some more dance news: I am currently obsessed
with the song Whaur Will We Gang. I
found some choreography to it done by a Highland
dance school in Russia, Shady Glen. I love the idea and I’d love to do a duet
like this some day.
I got a
call from my doctor's nurse today, and we scheduled a check-up appointment for
the 29th. I am really hoping that good news follows the check-up. Honestly, my
ankle has been feeling a lot better, but I am still worried. I really don't
want to run the risk of injuring it any more/again. The longer it's injured,
the longer I'll have to wait to dance!
When I say that my ankle feels
better, I mean that it no longer gives me that achy, sharp pain, which I came
to associate with it being fractured. However, since being in the boot and
virtually going unused for over three week, my foot/leg has been cramping quite
a bit. This worries me, but I think it is probably just my muscles protesting
the lack of use and the awkward position inside the boot. After all, this
cramping definitely feels more muscular and is not located in the same spot as
the fracture. Maybe I just worry too much?
I am hoping that I will be able to
set up some physical therapy sessions with the UW Dancers' Clinic after my
appointment. I know that I will need to slowly rebuild the strength in my
ankle, and, considering my recent muscle cramps, this seems like the logical
time to start doing that. Who knows? If all goes well, maybe I will be back to
dancing before the Gaelic Fusion show in January.
On an unrelated note, I spent this morning once again
scouring the internet for a suitable sporran. It's amazing how almost every
design is either way over priced or completely unflattering. Nevertheless, I
think I may have finally found one that I want:
I was initially hoping to find a
white-haired sporran, but I really like this one and I think it will contrast
nicely against my kilt. I am a big fan of the latticed chains, and--judging by
the little that I know about physics--this design should help keep the tassels
somewhat in check so they aren't bouncing all over while I am dancing. On top
of the nice design, the price isn't bad either: It'sonly £65.
I have to wait a
bit before I can afford to order a sporran--I'm still paying off my kilt and
hose. But, I think I've finally found 'the one'.
The end of my college career is quickly approaching.
Yesterday I enrolled in classes for the last time, and, while double-checking my
student report to make sure that I had picked the right classes, I noticed that
all of my requirements are now met. This, of course, means that I will be all
set to graduate next semester. Finally!
Honestly, I am as happy as I am sad to graduate. Believe me,
I know that school can be a bit of a bust sometimes, but I also love the
academic world. I love being to get my hands on obscure texts and major journal
articles, and I absolutely cherish having so many well-informed individuals
around to bounce ideas off. After nearly 18 years in an academic environment,
it will be weird to be without it.
Nevertheless, I am looking toward the future; even though I
am not sure what it will bring. In fact, this has been a point of contention in
my life as of late: I am not really sure what to do with myself after I
graduate. I am entertaining the idea of going to graduate school, but I am not
entirely sure what I would study—something in Celtic Studies, no doubt, but I
am not sure exactly what path in Celtic Studies I would take. Also, I figure
that, once in grad school, I won’t be able to compete in dance; there just won’t
be enough time in my life to seriously apply myself to my studies and my competitive
career. So, even if I do decide to go on to grad school, it’s going to be a few
years before I am ready.
In the meantime, I am trying to figure out what to do with
my life in the here and now. It goes without saying that dancing is an
extremely important aspect of my life, and, of course, I wish to continue
pursue my dance passion. It is something that I never plan to give up: I always
want to be involved in dance.
In fact, it has always been a kind of dream of mine to teach
dance and/or to run my own dance school. For the longest time, I had hoped that
this would be teaching Irish dance. However, due to recent events (see previous
posts), as well as a genuine realization that Irish dance, while I love it, is
not my forte, I have had a change of heart. Yes, I would still love to teach,
but now I am thinking that Highland
may ultimately be the best place for me.
I know this may seem a bit rash, flip-flopping from Irish to
Highland so
quickly, but let me assure you that this idea has not just come about recently.
It has been in my mind for a quite a while. It is just that I am now, for the
first time, letting myself truly explore the breadth of this possibility. Will
it work out? I don’t know. But the only way to find out is to try.
Of course, being me, if I were to wind up teaching Highland dance, I would never be happy with just
providing dance instruction. After all, I truly believe that each dance is the
enacting of a cultural story and history. I believe that, in order to
understand the dance, you must understand that culture from which the art arises.
With this in mind, then, I would plan to offer both lessons in Highland dance
and in Highland culture. How I would do this
is not entirely clear to me at the moment. Still, it is important to me that
dancers know about and are able to talk about the history and culture that
underlies their art.
In lieu of the above, I have set some goals for myself, four
to be exact. I am hoping to achieve these within three years after my
graduation from college. A tall order, maybe, but with honest pursuit, I think
they can be done. The goals are:
1)Learn
Gàidhlig
2)Gain
control of Highland dance, in practice,
theory, and knowledge
3)Develop
a broad understanding of the Highland
culture(s)
4)Visit
and spend sufficient time in the Highlands so as to share in a bit of the lived
experiences of the Highland peoples
A note about my second goal: This is not to mean that I
expect to master Highland dance in three
years, as such a task truly takes a lifetime. Rather, in three years, I hope to
have developed artful control over a range of the dances as well as the general
theories and history of Highland dance.
My fourth goal is perhaps the most tenuous in my mind as it
requires some serious planning. For this reason, I have left it a bit vague. I
am not entirely sure how to go about tackling this one, but I do think it is
important actually to spend some time in the Highlands
if I want to learn about the culture. As of right now, I am thinking/hoping
that, perhaps, I may be able to find a Gàidhlig immersion program in the Highlands, and thus I’d be able to work towards two goals
at once. Still, this will require some research and a lot of planning.
So, yeah. I am not exactly sure where my life is headed, but
I am hoping that working towards these goals will at least give it some
direction. If not, at least I’ll have learned something and maybe even have had
a bit of fun along the way :-)
Good news from my kiltmaker yesterday: My tartan fabric
finally arrived from the weavers. This means that it shouldn’t be long before I
get my kilt. How exciting!
My kilt—and hose for that matter—are in the Dress Green
Drummond of Perth tartan. I really love this tartan. Its unusual pattern
reminds me of peacock eyes; the peacock, of course, being my favorite animal.
On top of that, this tartan doesn’t seem to be as popular as many others. I am
hoping that it will help me stand out amongst the other competitors.
Now I do have to admit that, while I love my tartan, I am a
little worried that it may be too busy. Then again, there are some beautiful
pictures of dancers in the Dress Green Drummond; so, I guess I worry for
nothing—which is not all that uncommon for me.
Dress Green Drummond in action
I have also ordered a pair of split diamond tartan hose.
Truth be told, I like the whole diamond pattern best for most tartans. However,
the whole diamond pattern isn't quite so fabulous in the Green Drummond. In
lieu of this, I decided to add a little flair and go for the split diamond,
which definitely seems to be the trend amongst others who wear this tartan.
Split diamond looks so much better
I am hoping that by the time the Gaelic Fusion show rolls
around in January, I’ll have a the bottom portion of my outfit complete,
including a kilt, kilt hose, a sporran, and maybe some flashes. I’ll also have
a jumpstart on the top of my outfit, as I already have a Balmoral hat and am
planning to locate a nice bowtie and dress shirt.
Me in my awesome new hat
I think I am having too much fun with this whole outfitting process.
Then again, that’s probably just the gay in me.
Oh, boy! It’s really been a while. But, since I am in a
writing mood—perhaps due to my solid weekend of working on papers for school—I
am thinking that I just may give this blog thing another go. Hmm....Now where
did I leave off? Oh, yes, the O’Dell spring recital…
The O’Dell Irish Dancers Spring Recital was a great success.
I had a great time and, for once, did not have to dance in every-other number.
So, I guess you could say I even had the chance to enjoy myself a bit. As
forecasted, the recital was my last event with O’Dell, and, later that summer,
the school closed. I have to say, though, I loved being a part of O’Dell Irish
Dancers. It’s really where I started to become confident in my dancing, even if
I was less than spectacular. The school also allowed me to be creative and to
interact with Irish step dance in a way that I had never done before. All in
all, while the drives may have been boring at times and the gas bills were
excruciating, the experience was completely worth it. I wish all of the dancers
the best and hope to stay in contact with them.
After leaving O’Dell, I spent the summer journeying to my
other Irish dance school, RinceNiaAcademy,
in Milwaukee. I
did the regular adult class once a week plus a two hour private every weekend. During
my private, I worked hard to learn the more advanced dances: the boys’ reel, a
slow hornpipe, and a slow treble jig. I had hoped to learn these dances well
enough to be allowed to drop down into the &Over’s category. However,
before I attempted that, I enrolled myself in a few adult competitions at
feiseanna.
On July 21 and 22, I competed in back-to-back feiseanna: the
Badger State Feis and the Cream City Feis. At both of these competitions, I was
the only adult competing in my Novice/Prizewinner. (At the second of the two,
there was another adult competitor, but he was dancing as a beginner.) By
default, then, I placed first in all of my dances and was awarded three medals
and three trophies. When I went to claim my prizes, I told the lady at the table,
“I’ve never felt so honored and so cheap in my life!”
Me with my trophies at the feis
After my feis experience, I continued my private lessons to
work on my competition steps and used the time in my normal class to prepare
for Irish Fest. Although the adult class was only doing one number for Irish
Fest, I alone was awarded a solo in the dance. It was a really great honor and
I was very excited about it, even if it did prove to be a test of my stamina.
Nevertheless, I got through the solo all three times that we performed.
The adult class at Irish Fest -- I'm the tiny guy on the right
I tell you, it was
great to glance toward the crowd while dancing, to see the bleachers full, and
to know that everyone was watching me. Perhaps it was my previous experience of
being judged at the feis that allowed me to feel at so ease when performing in
front of a large crowd. Whatever the case, I was certainly exhilarated.
To back up a bit, the weekend before Irish Fest I had
planned to compete at another two feiseanna—the names of which escape me. I
unfortunately was unable to do so, as I had badly sprained my ankle quite
severely two days before the first feis. While I was sure that I could have
pushed myself to compete at the feis, I ultimately decided not to because of it
being so close to Irish Fest—I didn’t want to injure myself further before our
big shows. Indeed, my ankle was still very swollen for Irish fest…but I pushed
through that one.
One of these things isn't like the other, one of
these things shouldn't be used for dance
Given all of the drama with my ankle, I took about a week
and a half off from dancing after Irish Fest. The swelling did eventually go
down, and even though it was sprained pretty severely, my ankle healed rather
quickly.
As I already stated, I had been working all summer on my
competition steps so that I would be able to drop down into the &Over’s. It
was my hope to be able to do this in time for the Pat Roche Feis in October.
Indeed, at the end of August/beginning of September, I asked my private
instructor what she thought, and she said that it seemed like I’d be ready to
drop down into the Novice &Over’s.
With this in mind, I contacted my TCRG, explained that I was
hoping to drop down by the time of my next feis, and asked him if that would be
okay—after all, a life with a well-informed TCRG is a happy life. Now, my TCRG
knew from the beginning that I was hoping, one day, to drop down out of the
adult category. However, when I emailed him, he responded by simply saying that
his adult dancers would not be allowed to compete in any other category other
than adult. That’s when shit started to get real…
As some of you involved in the Irish dance world will know,
there are no special rules or fees associated with dropping down. Rather, it is
simply at the discretion of the TCRG. Nevertheless, my TCRG decided to make a
sweeping statement denying not just me but all of my fellow adult dancers the possibility
to drop down in competition. This hurt me and infuriated me—and, indeed, still
hurts and infuriates me—to no end.
Here’s is why it hurts so much: My TCRG had never seen me
dance (save the occasional glance while rehearsing for Irish Fest). He had
never seen my competition steps, never seen me compete, never even
attempted—even after I asked him about dropping down—to assess my progress. No.
For him, it was not my ability that matter; it was my age. I, and my
classmates, were not allowed to compete based simply upon our ages. This, my
friends, is called ageism and is illegal in many sectors in the United States—the
Irish dance world, however, is not one of these sectors.
Some dark weeks followed this truly heart-breaking news.
A week or two after I received my TCRG’s decision, one of
the girls who runs the adult class made a very inappropriate and fundamentally
ageist comment, telling some of the new adult dancers (only eight years her
senior) that she was “so impressed to see them trying Irish dance at their age when she had difficulty
doing it at her age”. This, of course, further enraged me and also did not go
over too well with some others of the adult class. Indeed, I still fail
qualitatively to see the difference in what she said and if I would have
commented that, “It was amazing to see her doing Irish dance because, you know,
she’s black.” Ageism and racism are both power plays that focus attention on
outward, uncontrollable traits rather than ability—which is really what should
matter, right?
Given the rampant ageism floating around, I decided to look
for a new dance school, a new TCRG. However, despite emailing the other schools
in the area, politely explaining my predicament, and having others suggest me
to their TCRGs, I, in the end, heard nothing. While I cannot be certain of
their reasons for not responding to me, I am left to wonder if at least some of
their decisions may have been based on my age.
I spent a good portion of the ensuing weeks curled up in my
bed, thinking about my life and listening to ‘uplifting’ music. In fact, I even
created a special playlist on my iTunes, entitled “The Breakup”, which was full
of songs that told me, “Fuck this, fuck it, fuck him; I’ll show all those
ageist fuckers…”
This song will forever have an unbelievable depth of meaning for me
Due to ageist drama, as well as time constraints and a
lingering pain in my left foot, I decided that it was best to take some time
off from Irish dance, at least for the semester. During this time, I found
myself dedicating more energy to Highland
dance. For once, I started to really take seriously my highland technique and
started working toward improving it. Then, after the attending the Wisconsin
Highland Games, I realized that I just may want to compete in Highland
dance.
The fact that the desire to compete in Highland took so long to cultivate in me was
kind of surprising. Since the very beginning, my Highland
instructors had been urging me to compete, saying that I had good foundations
and potential to do well. I guess that, until my ageist scandal with the Irish
dance world, I had never fully been able to appreciate those compliments. Now,
I was finally able to understand just how important it was to be surrounded by
people who supported your ambitions and passions.
I am still in the process of getting over the hurt struck
upon me by my TCRG’s decision, and some days are definitely better than others.
I honestly feel like someone very close to me has passed away—to be maybe a bit
over dramatic, perhaps this is a final nail in the coffin of a childhood dream.
I know, perhaps a bit much, but still, I honestly think that I am hurting more
from this than from any other moment in my life, albeit a young life at that.
It is just so absolutely earth-shattering to come to the edge of the
realization that you want nothing more than to be active in a world where so
many people simply wish you didn’t exist. It still hurts, even just writing
about it…
As the Jack Off Jill song, Angels Fuck, reminds me:
“I will never make it better / It will always hurt you fucking asshole”.
Yet, I know that, even if it leaves a scar, I will go on
with my life, and I will go on dancing. And, I will certainly not give up Irish
dancing because of this incidence—after all, I just bought new hard shoes! Plus,
there are plenty of awesome Irish dance teachers out there who believe in me
and in the art rather than the sport
of Irish dance. And yet, will I ever get back into the competitive Irish dance
world? I honestly don’t know. Not now at least; I still need some time to heal.
For now, though, I am beginning to come back into my normal
self. I have begun to study Highland dance
more seriously, and that gives me great hope (even if I am currently confined
to crutches and a walking boot because of a severe stress fracture in my left
ankle).
I have even begun to gather an outfit for Highland—and who doesn’t love new clothes?!
My awesome new Balmoral hat!
On top of all of this, I have printed out my TCRG’s email
telling me I am not allowed to compete outside of the adult category—a decision
tainted by ageist constructs—and have nailed it above my bed with the phrase
“YOU’RE WRONG” written on it. It is one of the first things that I see each
morning, reminding me that, now more than ever, I have to dance, to prove him
wrong, to show him that age is just a number and that I still have worth.
At the end of the day, I am a dancer, and I have people who
believe in me as a dancer. And so, I will never stop dancing, and, as for those
who think that I should, I will prove them wrong. I will prove them all wrong.
